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I found this in my past writings and thought it might be an interesting side note relative to my last blog post, Dream Maker.

(2016) Just contemplating heartfelt questions tonight.

     We are supposed to have dreams. We are supposed to have goals. We are even supposed to write them down. Then we are supposed to work toward those goals and believe and have faith and persevere.

     Then when they don’t materialize, we are told we don’t have the right to have expectations. We are not supposed to be disappointed. We are not supposed to be sad or depressed about unmet goals, dreams that did not come to fruition.

     We are just supposed to what? Trust. Be grateful. Walk out our faith.

     I do trust. I am grateful. I am trying very hard to follow the right path and walk out my faith with the help of the Holy Spirit. But I feel, too. I had dreams and goals that were squashed with my first long illness. I was given another chance at those dreams and it looked like they would come to fruition.

     But again, life circumstances have dictated other directions, and now another disease threatens to stop me. But am I not supposed to feel anything? I’m sad. I’m disappointed, not in God. Just in the way things turned out, and yes, in myself. Could I have done things differently? At each juncture I have done the best I knew to do.

     Did I have the wrong goals? Wrong dreams? I thought my dreams and goals were God directed and even kingdom oriented.

     I still have faith. I still have God’s Word. I still have a Savior, Redeemer, King. God is still in control. God is still Provider, Healer, Shepherd, Victorious, Present, Loving, Faithful. I rejoice In Him; I will wait for Him. I said I didn’t want to go anywhere if He didn’t go with me. And I meant it, but I am a deep feeler. And tonight I feel a deep sense of loss.

     If He didn’t want it for me, then I know it’s best that it doesn’t come. I think the truth is I am disappointed in myself. I feel like I have failed. But I know my feelings and my circumstances are not my truth. However, they are real and sometimes they are big and in your face and you have to deal with them.

     He has a purpose for my life. He planned my days before there were any of them. He will make a way when there seems to be no way. I am not a failure. I am victorious in and through Christ Jesus. His purposes cannot be thwarted. If God is for me who can be against me? And I know that He is on my side.

     So I will praise Him. I will offer up my thanksgiving to the Lord who is worthy to be praised. I will wait on Him. I will seek His face. I will glory in my King. I will trust His ways and His timing. I am growing from glory to glory. I am being transformed by the renewing of my mind by His word. I will rejoice in my Savior no matter what may come. After all, it’s all about Him, it’s not about me or my dreams or hopes.

     I’m just thinking out loud tonight. And wondering. And pondering. Maybe I shouldn’t spend so much time in my own thoughts. His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts. His ways and His thoughts are higher.  In His care, Bebe